What I Did Today

Today, I stepped way outside of my comfort zone. I asked my crush out. It was not at all easy for me to do, and my heart was pounding.

I decided that I wanted to ask her. It was something that I have put off for way too long, seeing her as this great person, a Goddess, really. Suddenly it came to me that she was a person, just like me. I put aside the fear that she would shame me for liking her, or spread it around that I like her.

Today, I feel like a new person. I am proud of myself for what I did, and I think I have matured quite a bit, too. Not long ago, I would have gotten depressed, and I wouldn’t have even asked. But I am thirty, and I don’t want to be alone forever.

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Down Again

For the longest time, I was feeling great. Happy, positive, on top of the world. Now, I am feeling so sad, so hopeless.

Whenever I talked to people about my crush, they told me to ask her out, go for it. I can’t really ask her out if she ignores me. It hurts to find out that she doesn’t like me back.

What makes it even worse is the fact that I am best friends with her brother. So, any time that I hear from him, or hang out with him, I will be reminded of her, and the fact that she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I know I will get over her, most likely. But for now, I can’t get her out of my mind, hoping that maybe eventually she will send me some message, or something.

I want her. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I am thirty years old, and at this rate, I will be forty before I know it, and I will still be alone, living paycheck to paycheck.

Love is Hard

Love is not easy. Everyone says if you like someone you should ask them out. It isn’t always that easy. When you have been rejected as many times as I have, you tend to be a little guarded. You don’t want to put yourself out there again.

I like my friend’s sister. He is so easy to hang out with, and i can message him and talk to him all day long, but I can’t even send her a greeting, because I know that when she ignores it, I will be hurt once more.

I wish that I could have the courage to talk to her, and ask her out, but I know that she wouldn’t be interested in doing anything with me. It sucks knowing that you are undesirable.

I don’t want to be in love anymore, but I know that I will always have feelings for one person or another. It is not the type of thing that I can give up easily, and I know I should try.

I want to write to her, but she is busy, and even if she does write back, it will just be a brief message, and then she will disappear once more. I wish that she wasn’t like that, but I know it’s because I am not her type, because I am no one’s type.

That’s not entirely true. The type of girls that like me are not my type. They are the ones that have no job, no car, no nothing. They are nice enough, but I don’t want to be the only responsible one in the relationship. I would like them to come to me once in a while. I feel like I am rambling now, so I think I am going to wrap this up. Good bye.

Update

It has been a while since I have been on here. I have many ups, and more than anyone’s fair share of downs. I am currently up.

Things just seem to be going my way. I have friends, I am happy, and I am not stressing about anything.

My thirtieth birthday has come and gone, and it was a real special time. I took a five day weekend, and I treated myself. I went shooting, which I like to do, but just haven’t had the opportunity to do as much as I would like. My family threw me a surprise party, and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while were there.

The whole thing has taught me that, although there are bad times, there are always going to be better times. Whenever you feel alone, just remember that there are people out there who do care about you. Things are not always as bad as they seem. Keep your head up, and you will get through the dark times. Reach out to a friend if you need them. Don’t worry about bothering them, if you need them, they will be there for you.

You

I liked you before we met. When I first saw a picture of you, I liked you. Then, when we finally met, and I heard your voice, and saw your smile in person, I liked you even more. You seemed friendly enough, and the liking grew. Then I got to feeling like I was reading into things too much. I didn’t talk to you for a long time.

When I thought I was over you, I got that message. You of all people asked me to come to game night. You of all people made me really feel like I was wanted somewhere. After that, the liking for you grew. I talked to you, and you talked back. I invited you to my place for game night, and although you couldn’t make it, you were still nice to me. My liking for you grew.

You made me more outgoing, and I felt more confident. You put a spring in my step. I was able to get through my days in a good mood. I felt like things were finally going my way; this was my year.

It was becoming obvious that you didn’t feel the same way when you stopped liking my posts. I should have known right away, but I refused to believe that I was going down a road I’d been down so many times before. I didn’t want to think that you would be the same as all the other girls I’ve liked. I still don’t want to believe it.

I kept asking if you were going to game nights, and you always had other things going on. That’s fine. I understand. But after a while, you didn’t apologize anymore, and your messages got shorter, and you only said what you absolutely had to.

You are the one that I like, and I think I will always like you. Nothing will change that. I just wish that we talked more. I wish that you would message me first from time to time. I know that the next time we see each other, I’ll fall for you all over again.

The problem is me. I am too scared to admit how I feel. I can’t just ask you to hang out. I can’t just tell you that I like you. I know you don’t feel the same way, and that is holding me back. I know I will be rejected, but I am still afraid of it. I just don’t want to mess anything up. I don’t want to lose my friendship to you, or to your brother. I guess I will just keep wishing, and hoping that maybe someday you will feel the same way about me that I feel about you.

You won’t though. You don’t think of me, spend time worrying about me, caring about me. And that is fine. If you are happy, then that’s ok. You don’t need me, and I need to accept that.

What should I do

I am starting to think that maybe she doesn’t like me. I try to get on her radar, but it does no good. Some people think that I should tell her brother that I like her, since he is my friend. They may be right, but I could never do that.

I just want her to message me first once in a while, but she doesn’t. She had a reason to, but she still didn’t, so I had to message her first. I don’t mind, because whenever I message her, she usually replies. We had a good conversation a few days before then, too. It made me happy, and I am still feeling good about it.

So, anyway, my question is what should I do? Do I tell her brother how I feel? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I try to hang out with her or something? I never know what to do when I like someone like this. I just wish that they felt the same way about me, but they never do.

Happy Monday

I got my reply today. She said no, which is what I expected. But, also like I expected, it was because she had something else going on. She was very nice about it, so it’s all good. She said next time, and I joked around about it with her.

It may seem like she doesn’t want to talk to me, at least that is how I felt, but I think I’m wearing her down. She didn’t just say no, she said that she couldn’t, just this time. If she didn’t like me, she would either nave left it at no, or wouldn’t have even answered. So, at least we’re friends. I’ll take that. I’m used to being just a friend.

Maybe she is the one for me, though. I think it is my time for things to work out. I am remaining hopeful. That’s all I can do at the moment, really. She is awesome, and I would like to hang out with her a lot more. I just have to keep trying. I can’t give up because of a few bumps in the road; no great adventure was abandoned because of a little difficulty. The adventurer pressed on, despite seemingly insurmountable odds. Inspirational.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a happy Monday.